Now, judging from my astrophotography, you may say to yourself, "Gee, that sure looks easy! I
think I'll go out and do some of that myself just like Philip did." Let me tell you, brother it ain't
easy. As a testament to my tribulations that led to those pictures, allow me to interject my now
infamous rules of astrophotography (Note: these were compiled from ACTUAL experiences).....
1. Read Murphy's Law and all its varied axioms and corollaries. Read it again. Got it?? Okay, next item.
2. The number of photographers at a site is directly proportional to the number of possible screw-ups that can occur....i.e. Photographer No.1 is set up and drawing power for his clock drive from his car battery. In the process of connecting the power leads, he opens his hood....which just happens to obstruct Photographer No.2's view of the sky. Let's not even mention Photographer No.3....... ARRRRRGH!!!! Remember the mantra of the real estate industry....everything is location, location, location!! Fields of fire need to be clear of bystanders!!
3. Check ALL your settings. A screwed-up F-stop adjustment cannot compensate for even the fastest film. Did we mention focus???
4. Do not try to operate more than one piece of new or unfamiliar equipment per outing. The likelihood that problems and more gray hairs will result increases in an alarming geometric manner!!
5. In case a black card cannot be located for performing the "hat trick", remember that the lid from a pizza box will do in a pinch.
6. Fog banks have innate intelligence. They are very similar in nature to the cloud creature that consumed blood in the original Star Trek television series...with the exception that their prey is precision optical surfaces. Don't assume that just because you have found a clear area that the "patchy fog" won't find you!!
7. A well-known rule states that if you get one good picture per roll of film, then you're doing good. Another related one states that you shouldn't expect to get ANY good pictures at all until you've been through three or four rolls of bad pictures.
8. Don't ignore that new knob that suddenly appeared in the bottom of your equipment case...it goes on something somewhere.
9. Happiness is a good polar alignment.
10. Vicious dogs, wild pigs, and the genetically-challenged armed with shotguns can ruin your outing. Choose your observing site with care.*
11. Refrain from erecting your telescope and camera in the immediate vicinity of large colonies of stinging, subterranean insects (ants). It is difficult enough trying to remember the previous 10 pointers without the lil' buggers sinking their mandibles into your tender flesh. OUCH!!!
12. ABOVE ALL, DON'T GIVE UP. Not everyone can afford a Schmidt camera, but you can produce a picture worth framing with practice and dogged determination.
*Please note that some of these references are regional in nature. If Tiger Ridge doesn't mean anything to you, then email me for an explanation. Let's just say that the Burt Reynold's movie "Deliverance" gives quite a few hints.
The forboding theme you are hearing is from the popular video game Doom II. Wanna die horribly?
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Notice: "Things to Remember for the Would-Be Astrophotographer" is copyright 2007 by Philip Neidlinger. All rights reserved.